“The emotionally intelligent person is skilled in four areas: identifying emotions, using emotions, understanding emotions, and regulating emotions.” – John Mayer.
Contrary to what you think, I am not here to tell you to swallow your feelings or act like they don’t exist, I am here to actually make you feel today.
I have beaten myself up severally in the past when I messed up or fell short of the standards I held myself to. I would wallow in guilt and self pity so much so that I would be an emotional wreck. I could carry the burden for months and if not years. I would torture myself with thoughts like “it was your fault, so bear the grunt” or “you are a very weak person and you will keep falling for this sort of nonsense over and over again because you cannot help yourself.” I blamed myself for ending up in a state where I could suffer for my shortcomings and be at peace with the guilt. Being mad at myself was the pay for the pain I must have caused.
Only recently did I get to fully forgive and reconcile with myself over something I did over 8years ago. Not that what I did was bad, but I felt guilty for choosing my happiness over someone else’s desires. I felt like I ruined a friendship that should have stood the test of time due to my decision making tactics. Yes, I should have handled it better, but naivete played a role. While I asked for forgiveness from the other party, I never truly forgave myself. After I learnt that I wasn’t totally responsible for the baggage I was carrying, I forgave myself, healed and started living. That truth saved me.
Let me let you in on something yeah, if you fell short and made a mess of yourself in a situation, feel all the feels at that moment, even for some days. Being sober is good and thinking about your actions is healthy. Do not deny yourself the feelings therein but make sure they do not self destruct. Be mad at yourself, scold yourself, talk to yourself, take full responsibility for your own actions, but do not take someone else’s on your head. Oh yeah, don’t do that, because it will destroy you.
If you choose to blame yourself for the actions of two parties, that is foolishness. The same way you are responsible for the way you acted, same applies to the other party too. Apologise, reconcile, forgive… But babe, bruv, don’t die on that hill. Heal and move the heck on! If God do not recall your sins after you have asked for forgiveness, why should you? Forgive yourself and move on. If you fall short again, repeat same… because you soon will.
Emotional maturity and stability isn’t denying yourself of any feelings at all. It is acknowledging how you feel but not reacting based on how you feel but rather with wisdom and tact.
I pray that the God of all wisdom will grant you strength in the face of adversity, trouble, and challenge to be able to respond in such manner that edifies rather than pulls down in Jesus name, Amen.