I am stepping out. I am launching forward towards my dream because my dream is bigger than my nose. My dream is bigger than my insecurities. My dream is for others to live out their own dreams.
If I keep hiding behind my insecurities, I will forget that to breathe out carbon dioxide, I do need to breathe in oxygen in which the participation of my neighbor is of the essence. Whilst opinions are like nostrils and everyone has a pair, I hold myself responsible to share mine for it is my pact with life.
I have always known that I was meant to have a big world but I was too afraid to open the doors because of my insecurities. I was afraid of being judged and being laughed at because the world we now live in is very hostile; a world where ants have become headless dinosaurs with no history behind their keypads.
I let my thoughts run wild. I made different scenarios in my head where I was being made an object of ridicule, where nobody would care about what I had to say but rather laugh about my insecurities, forgetting that we all have one or two.
Then I realised that I have been selfish and prideful. Like how could I have allowed my insecurities make me shrink so much so that my world became a dark room with dirty and stinky occupants? Occupants that were so loud, dirty and uncouth. And you know what? They paid no rent to live in that space – my mind. I allowed them to live there, rent free. They were so loud that I couldn’t even hear my self most times.
Then from time to time I tried opening the windows to let in some sunshine and you could see the occupants scampering around looking for somewhere to hide because they hated light. I lived for moments like these but soon I shut the windows again for the sake of their comfort in my darn space, oh no!
This went on for years and I got somewhat used to it. Those moments of sunshine were when I chose to live for others apart from myself. I knew there was a bigger world for me if I could just let the sunshine stay but the fear of people seeing how dirty and unkempt my house was, was very terrifying.
Grace found me again and again and again but I had one leg in and one leg out. I was too comfortable in my discomfort and I knew I was dying inside. I knew I was miserable but i struggled to keep up appearances. I read my bible and I knew what to do but I was too lazy or should I say scared to do them. I read books and promised to change but I was too scared of how people will perceive me even my closest family and friends.
Nobody knew my struggle because I was always living like I had none. Then September 2020 came along and God said: I love you too much to let you die alive. it was then I found my soul crying out for help when my mouth couldn’t utter a single word.
He said to me: “I am sufficient for you. To seek me first and my righteousness is to allow me to be your Father, friend and Lord, not by keeping some rules. I am enough for you, just let me love you and you will see.”
I gave up the fight, because honestly, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave up and said “I am ready to be loved Father, I am ready.” But you know what? The devil never quits…he kept sending agents of fear in different ways to attack my mind, but I was much wiser now. I identified them asap and allowed them no room anymore. I knew how to fight by resting in God’s love for me. Ain’t nobody gonna give him any audience anymore. I was ready to step out and step out I did. What is the worst that could happen anyways? I asked myself… Fail? Oh I certainly will fail forward.
I was reborn ready!!!